Subject: My Living will

I, _____ (fill in the blank), being of sound mind
and body, do not wish to be kept alive indefinitely
by artificial means.

Under no circumstances should my fate be put in the
hands of peckerwood politicians who couldn't pass
ninth-grade biology if their lives depended on it.
If a reasonable amount of time passes and I fail to
sit up and ask for a Bacardi 151and Coke, light ice, tall
glass, squeeze of lemon and a cherry thank you very
much, it should be presumed that I won't do so ever
again. When such a determination is reached, I
hereby instruct my spouse, children and attending
physicians to pull the plug, reel in the tubes and call
it a day.

Under no circumstances shall the members of the
Legislature enact a special law to keep me on
life-support machinery. It is my wish that these
boneheads mind their own damn business, and pay
attention instead to the health, education and
future of the millions of Americans who aren't in a
permanent coma and who nonetheless may be in need
of nourishment.

Under no circumstances shall any politicians butt
into this case. I don't care how many
fundamentalist votes they're trying to scrounge for
their run for the presidency in 2008, it is my wish
that they play politics with someone else's life
and leave me alone to die in peace.
I couldn't care less if a hundred religious zealots
send e-mails to legislators in which they pretend to
care about me. I don't know these people, and I
certainly haven't authorized them to preach and/or
crusade on my behalf. They should mind their own damn
business, too.

If any of my family goes against my wishes and
turns my case into a political cause, I hereby promise
to come back from the grave and make his or her
existence a living hell.